Hanging By A Moment
Desperate for changing
Starving for truth
I'm closer to where i started
Chasing after you

i'm falling even more in love with you
letting go of all i've held onto
i'm standing here until you make me move
i'm hanging by a moment here with you

forgetting all i'm lacking
completely and complete
i'll take your invitation
you take all of me

now.. i'm falling even more in love with you
letting go of all i've held onto
i'm standing here until you make me move
i'm hanging by a moment here with you

i'm living for the only thing i know
i'm running and not quite sure where to go
i don't know what i'm diving into
just hanging by a moment here with you

there's nothing left to lose
nothing left to find
there is nothing in the world that can change my mind
there is nothing else
there is nothing else..

Desperate for changing
Starving for truth
Closer where i Started
Chasing after you

i'm falling even more in love with you
letting go of all i've held onto
i'm standing here until you make me move
i'm hanging by a moment here with you

i'm living for the only thing i know
i'm running and not quite sure where to go
i don't know what i'm diving into
just hanging by a moment here with you

just hanging by a moment
hanging by a moment..
hanging by a moment...
hanging by a moment here with you..

Definitely.  :-)

Had to do it
Had a fight with a friend yesterday.
It wasn't something I wanted to do, but when it came to light that all my actions will eternally be colored wrongly by an event in the past, I realised this was not a healthy friendship to maintain. It is sad how friendships can fall apart when there is a state of one-sidedness existing, and its even harder when the one not being a friend-in-return is absolutely blind to that fact. After all, one can't demand it be returned. No, that wouldn't be right. But one does expect it to exist for if it doesn't, why is it even being called a friendship.

Even know, it feels hard and painful to think about the need I have not to respond to text messages and phone calls I am getting in regards to this. Its hard to stay strong for myself and to keep in mind, it isn't healthy anymore. Let it go. You can't always be there for those who don't really do the same for you.

You can't always be understanding of those who never even try to understand you.

And so, I am sticking to my guns. I am letting the wounds heal. I am closing my doors and allowing myself to breathe. I am freer. I am happier.
But I do have regrets.

My other friends were very supportive. They told me some people just are like that and its not really their fault. They told me that doing whats best doesn't always feel right or easy. They told me that's where true friends can be discovered, when they respect your needs and requests (though not necessarily concede to them) especially when you need them the most.

I asked for silence. For a break. A time out. I did not want to talk.

All I got were repeated calls. Messages of apologies which though I believe were meant just didn't feel real since they seem to be so quickly said. Requests for second chances. For forgiveness.

Did you even hear what I said?

Why is it anything I say is so quickly forgotten.
Why is it I am always expected to be there for you?
Why couldn't you just give me that break. And let me call you when things were better?
I guess, its because, you needed say the apology. Needed to hear me say its okay now.
You didn't think about what I needed really. What I asked for.

If you can't see the difference between the two, then that's all the more the reason why it won't work out.

I hate being selfish. I hate making sure I am getting what I deserve. I hate having to be strong for myself. Its so much easier to take care of others. To make others laugh.

But today, I will have to be.
After all, no one else will right now.

No one else will but me.

Catharsis
Michelle Branch
I've been driving for an hour,
just talking to the rain
They say I've been drivin crazy,
and it's keepin you away.
So just give me one good reason.
Tell me why I should stay,
'Cause I dont wanna waste another moment
in saying things we never meant to say.

And I take it just a little bit.
I hold my breath and count to ten.
I been waiting for a chance to let you in.

If I just breathe
let it fill in the space between
I'll know everything is alright.
Breathe
every little piece of me,
you'll see
everything is alright.
If I just breathe

Well its all so overrated
In not saying how you feel
So you end up watching chances fade,
and wondering what's real,
And I give ya just a little time.
I wonder if you realize.
I've been waiting till I see it in your eyes.

If I just breathe
let it fill the space between
I'll know everything is alright.
breath
every little peice of me you'll see
everything is alright.
If I just breathe

So I whisper in the dark
hoping you'll hear me.
do you hear me?

If I just breathe
let it fill in the space between
I'll know everything is alright.
Breathe
every little peice of me
You'll see
everything is alright.
oooh yeah yeah...
Everything is alright.
If I just breathe...
I've been driving for an hour,
just talking to the rain

TWO SONGS TO YOU TWO BASTARDS
"Are You Happy Now?"
Now, don't just walk away
Pretending everything's ok
And you don't care about me
And I know there's just no use
When all your lies become your truths and I don't care... yeah, yeah, yeah

Could you look me in the eye
And tell me that you're happy now, ohhh, ohhh
Would you tell it to my face or have I been erased,
Are you happy now?
Are you happy now?

You took all there was to take,
And left me with an empty plate
And you don't care about it, yeah.
And I am givin' up this game
I'm leaving you with all the blame cause I don't care, yeah, yeah yeah,

Could you look me in the eye?
And tell me that you're happy now, oohh oohhh
Would you tell it to my face or have I been erased,
Are you happy now? Ohhh, ohhhh
Are you happy now?
Are you happy now? yeah, yeah, yeah.

Do you really have everything you want?
You can't ever give somethin' you ain't got
You can't run away from yourself

Could you look me in the eye?
and tell me that you're happy now, yeah, yeah
come on, tell it to my face or have i been replaced,
are you happy now? Ohhh, ohhhh
are you happy now?

Would you look me in the eye?
Could you look me in the eye?
I've had all that I can take
I'm not about to break
Cause I'm happy now, ohhh, ohhh
Are you happy now?

Hoochie Woman
I wasn't thinking
my head was in the book
his hands were on her everywhere
I saw his face
I dropped my coffee
he's cheating on me with a
hoochie woman
you can keep your hoochie
you can keep the house
and the bank accounts
'cause boys I bring home the bacon
I went to work and the office girls
were all burning their poetry
It wasn't good but in the neighborhood
now they're all just hoochie women
you can keep your hootchie
you can keep the house
and the bank accounts
'cause boys I bring home the bacon
I said boy I bring home the bacon now
He called me up
and said she has needs
I said you'll find them on Barney's fourth floor
he said I need a loan
that's not a problem
you'd better keep this from your hoochie woman
you can keep your hoochie
you can keep the house
and the bank accounts
'cause boy I bring home the bacon
I said girls I bring home the bacon now

---------

Be glad the Baptist is very forgiving.
And no you're never getting my art in your hands.
We could have fixed the Wall of China.
We could have made things work.

But apologies were never meant when you spoke them
and I was nothing but another meal for your ego.
The friendship was gone the moment you stopped
treating me like a friend.

I'm not your fucking sounding board
or your guilt-eater, you selfish fruit.
You were right all along:
You need help

But it ain't coming from me anymore.

The lids are off.
My muse says write. Draw. Speak.
And I'm not censoring my speech anymore.

Its time I cared only about me.

I SUDDENLY AM NOT HAPPY WITH THE POPE
In "Memory and Identity," the Pope also calls abortion a "legal extermination" comparable to attempts to wipe out Jews and other groups in the 20th century.

He also reveals that he is convinced the Turkish gunman who shot him in 1981 did not act alone and suggests that the former Communist Bloc may have been behind the plot to kill him.

The 84-year-old Pontiff's book, a highly philosophical and intricate work on the nature of good and evil, is based on conversations with philosopher friends in 1993 and later with some of his aides.

In one section about the role of lawmakers, the Pope takes another swipe at gay marriages when he refers to "pressures" on the European Parliament to allow them.

"It is legitimate and necessary to ask oneself if this is not perhaps part of a new ideology of evil, perhaps more insidious and hidden, which attempts to pit human rights against the family and against man," he writes.

The Pope's fifth book for mass circulation, issued by Italian publisher Rizzoli, sparked controversy in Germany and elsewhere after Jewish groups protested against leaked excerpts comparing the Holocaust to abortion.

In at least two sections of the book, the Pope talks about the Nazi attempt to exterminate Jews and the wholesale slaughter of political opponents by Communist regimes after World War II.

==========

I'm sorry but this is one book I don't think I'll agree with. A "new ideology of evil, perhaps more insidious and hidden, which attempts to pit human rights against the family and against man" he claims? What's next? A return of the inquisition since human rights is just a shield to truly "saving sinful souls" with "creative confession gaining?"

HUMAN RIGHTS should never be seen as something one can overstep or treat as less important over ideological values. To do so would open any religious activity that crosses against Human Rights as "perfectly acceptable"... like how these religiously fanatic suicide bombers would ignore the right of others to live in order to do what their beliefs claim is right. Or how women would once again be subject to cruel practices and traditions for ideological purity. The urge to fulfil religious obligations does not outweigh the importance of respecting another's individual rights.

This is just wrong.... I'm sorry Pope... but this is just wrong.

Maybe that's the new ideology of evil really at work. Using the close-mindedness and traditional puritarian views of the Church's human leader to sway the pratice of Faith to one side and abolish the importance of accepting the community of man and the integral value of Human Rights.

Sang the Night Away
After a heavy day at work, and an impromptu need to play listening-ear to someone with heart pangs, I realised I needed a good time out from all the stress and decided to try going out singing again. Thankfully, three officemates of mine were free and found the time to join me in IO KTV in ABS-CBN. From Michael Buble, to Colormebadd, Rey Valera to Madonna, Stone Temple Pilots to Savage Garden... we consumed around two or three hours singing, laughing and just having fun.

Thank God for moments like these that help give me a breather from all the stress and work.
And thank God for the time.

Sleeps With Butterflies

airplanes take you away again

are you flying above where we live

then i look up, a glare in my eyes

are you having regrets about last night

i'm not, but i like rivers that

rush in

so then i dove in

is there trouble ahead for you, the acrobat

i won't push you, unless you have a net

you say the word you know i will find you

or if you need some time i don't mind

i don't hold on to the tail of your kite

i'm not like the girls that you've known

but i believe i'm worth coming home to

kiss away night

this girl only sleeps with butterflies

with butterflies

so go on and fly then, boy

balloons look good from on the ground

i fear with pins and needles around

we may fall then stumble upon a carousel

it could take us anywhere

you say the word you know i will find you

or if you need some time i don't mind

i don't hold onto the tail of your kite

i'm not like the girls that you've known

but i believe i'm worth coming home to

kiss her, waiting by this girl

this girl

you say the word you know i will find you

or if you need some time i don't mind

i don't hold onto the tail of your kite

i'm not like the girls that you've known

but i believe i'm worth coming home to

kiss away night

this girl only sleeps with butterflies

with butterflies

with butterflies

so go on and fly boy

Decided to clean up my blog
Realised after a while of reading my blog, there are many links to people I don't really know, or get to keep in touch with. Just as there are now dead links, as well as links to people whom I realise I shouldn't really force myself to keep in touch with (hey, make time for those who make time too eh?)

So, to make it simpler, I just decided to delete the links and keep those whose blogs I do love to read to keep in touch, I prefer to have to stay aware on what they're up to, or those whose blogs I just really like reading.

If you were one of those who lost a link to my blog, don't immediately assume its a negative thing. Unless of course, you realise it most likely is based on how life has treated us... or how we treated our life.

You get the idea.

Goodbye, my loyal pet
Yeah, deleted my Blog Pet. It has been acting wonky anyway.

LUNCH with JAC and NER
Lunch time was a wonderful event today with Jac and Ner finding time with busy schedules to join me for a small lunch chat. We ate at Pixie's, a small by-the-road restaurant where they serve really good boneless stuffed bangus. Ended up ordering two pitchers of red ice tea to fight the now growing heat of the coming Summer.

We talked shop, work, management and art and eventually had to say our "Susunod ulits" and return to the grin.

I wonder when we'd have time to make a collab? Ner was asking me if it was time to work on TU, the second issue of our supposed numerical indie project. WAN had some people buying it, and I would have liked it if more noticed it however. Hirap talaga mag marketing.

On Love and Heartbreak
Finally got to visit Megamall last Sunday to pick up the copies of Love and Heartbreak Elbert said he left for me. When I first read it yesterday, I have to admit I felt it bring me to tears. No, I didn't cry from the sappy stories or the heartbreaking tales. I cried cause I loved how Elbert made it work. How suddenly my ramblings and comic absurdities suddenly felt more real and cool.

And now, again, I'm terribly overly worried about my work for L&H2. And I'm even considering redrawing ALL the pages I have made so far. Kasi naman no, Elbert really sets a standard you have to meet.

Dreaming Again
Dreamt I was in a classroom. We were being filed in like how they used to command us back in military training. Next thing I knew, we were singing the national anthem and I was taking a lead giving it a twist they didn't expect.

Flash forward ten minutes or so later, and I am in a smaller auditorium, having been called by the other older students to join them. As it turns out, some terror teacher liked me and asked me to be in some talk he was about to give.

They ask for names, and I suddenly fumble, making little embarassing attempts at tossing jokes about being the fourth child with the same first name. They look at me, indifferent of my humor, then shakes their heads.

I wake.

Hmm... I wonder what it means?

Macross: Another Song
Today marks the start of our Robotech/Macross table top campaign. Seth is playing a micronized Zentraedi who really hates being with humans but likes the fact siding with them gives him freedom to have individuality and identity. Aldwin plays a pure human who hopes to gain some fame and respect from the others soon. While Sam plays a half-breed who hides the fact she is one for fear of ridicule and racism.

The game is set 80 years after the movie "Do You Remember Love" with many ideas liberally inspired if not outright taken from the Macross II: Lovers Again manga/anime which frankly I prefer over Macross 7 or Robotech. Although I do admit I loved Robotech, the whole plot of the Robotech Masters and E.B.S.I.S. just turns the whole thing into a hyper convoluted plot. And the time-warping ending just reeks too much of Star Trek for my liking.

So its back to the Valkyries, the Gerwalks and the Melzendi... back to the Marduk, the Emulators and the Lisa Hayase... and back to the Yak de Culture instead of "Protoculture!!! Argh!!!"

Yep.
Its Macross alright.

"Shao Pai Long!"

Yah.
In case you didn't notice.
Its 5:30a.m. and you for sure know where I am.

If you can't answer, it simply means you haven't been an avid reader of my blog.
Excited for this coming weekend, however.

Macross - Robotech!
Yahoo!

Baduy Moment
Just remembered a song I really love which sadly I cannot find either in CD or mp3. If anyone can help me get a copy of it, i would be very appreciative:

KAHIT HABANG BUHAY
smokey mountain

(girl) nakakalito ang mundo
kung sino'ng mahal mo s'yang ayaw a 'yo
'wag sanang masayang itong damdamin kong laan sa 'yo
(boy) paano naman ako
kay tagal ko nang
umibig sa 'yo
'wag sanang maayang itong damdamin kong laan sa'yo
(chorus) kahit habang buhay maghihintay ako sa 'yo
kahit pa maglaho ang mundo
kahit habang buhay maghihintay ako sa 'yo
asahan mog hndi magpapalit
itong damdamin ko
(repeat boy)
(repeat chorus)
(boy) paano naman ako oh
(girl) nakakalito ang mundo)
(boy) kung sinong mahal mo s'yang ayaw sa 'yo
(girl) kung sinong mahal mo s'yang ayaw sa 'yo
kahit habang buhay maghihintay ako sa 'yo
kahit pa maglaho ang mundo
kahit habang buhy maghihintay ako sa 'yo
asahan mong hindi magpapalit
hinding hindi magpapalit
itong damdamin ko

GAMEX 2005
A few years ago, while in Los Angeles, I was able to run a few games for a convention there. This coming May, I have a pending trip to Los Angeles to visit my brother and see his graduation. Thankfully, I got some connections in Los Angeles and learned the Gamex 2005 will be held on Memorial Day weekend, which would be May 30!

So what does that mean?
I'm expanding on my storytelling chops and running games for some Americans again.
This ought to be cool. The question is, what do I run which would least devour my capacity to bring books, music stuff and speakers.

Hmm...

Bombings in the Philippines Again

From INQ7.net
Explosion rocks bus in Makati City; 3 dead
Posted 07:38pm (Mla time) Feb 14, 2005
(3RD UPDATE) AN EXPLOSION went off inside a bus at the foot of the Metro Rail Transit's Ayala Avenue station in Makati City, police said. (snipped) ... at least three people were dead. (snipped) The Makati blast came just minutes after two explosions rocked the cities of General Santos and Davao City. (snipped) Abu Sayyaf spokesmna Abu Solaiman is quoted that the bandit group was behind the blast. (snipped) ...their "Valentine's gift" to President Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo.

I don't know what to say. Part of me just hates the fact these militant insurgents have to target ordinary Filipinos who are struggling to handle their day by day trials. If they have a problem with the way the government is run, why the hell do they have to strike public commuters and bus stations? You believe the government corrupt enough to warrant having a militaristic rebellion against it, fine. But please, targetting innocent civilians (or maybe even complacent civilians) in no ways gives you support or compassion.

Some are wondering if this is actually THE government's doing. Or at least by some members in the administration who believe by doing these incredible acts of cruelty and evil, they can point judas fingers at the existing militant groups and get more support in their cash cow industries of allocating disappearing budgets to non-existent wars.

I don't know anymore. Both are so credible, its even possible that both planned bombings today and they're all going off with both sides wondering what's happened (e.g. "Uh, we didn't plant those there right?")

Heaven help you.
Cause frankly, I'm going to be one of those who will pray for peace.

It is officially Valentine's Day
And I can't seem to fall asleep. I decided to go blog-hopping to check on how my friends, my wish-we-were-friends and my wish-i-could-be-more-like-you friends were doing and instead found myself suddenly thinking about how my love life, so to speak, has been these past 27 years. On hindsight, I realised I had a lot of unclosed books with people who chose to instead alienate me rather than properly end things. I had a few old romances that turned instead into wonderful friendships. And I had a lot of broken hearts that became avenues for these people to just take advantage of my willingness to be friends still.

It is sad.
But it is how things are.
So many people stupidly do not believe in love, and sadly, even more fall in love with them. So many people are in love and yet know they can never truly display it to the world. So many people are needing to feel loved and yet cannot show their weakness. So many people who do love and are never seen as worth the time.

Happy Valentine's Day.
If you know love and have it, be proud.
Be happy.
Be loved.

IF THEY JUST LET BOROMIR BE IN-CHARGE
The Fellowship of the Ring wouldn't even be needed.
Check this out!
http://waxy.org/random/images/weblog/mortor.gif
http://img77.exs.cx/img77/2888/catapult1id.gif
http://img154.exs.cx/img154/1124/catapult0dl.gif

If you have Flash
Watch this.
http://www.albinoblacksheep.com/flash/bunny.php
Sobrang... galeng.
They should do more animations this cool.

I can't help it
After tossing and turning in bed, certain imagery kept swirling in my head and demanded to be given a chance to reach others. So, there, I'm placing it here in my blog even if I was supposed to be falling asleep cause I want it out before it gets pissed off at me for not being made final.

If Aldwin, Sam and Seth will let me, come next weekend (or whichever one weekend Aldwin would be free to join us), I would like to present Changeling: The Long Trod Home - Director's Cut where I reset the game at a certain point in the Deep Dreaming where they faced the merged forms of Harroth the Mute and the White King himself. I want to have my vision of the rise of the Green Court, the coming of the Thuatha De Dannan, the War Against the Dragons, the Final Hour, the Starlight Exodus with only the final epilogue seen being almost totally untouched (except for three key scenes I didn't get to show).

So guys, what's your call?

Changeling: The Long Trod Home...
...had ended. Amazingly, after fifteen 13 hour hour long game sessions, the Time of Judgment storyarc for Changeling: The Dreaming has come to an end. Seth, Sam and Aldwin were able to stop the Great Purge, reopen the doors to Arcadia, defeat the bearer of the Triumph Casque of Sorrows and survive the onslaught of 5 different story-options on how to end Changeling the Dreaming combined into one main plot.

Special moments in the game I will hold in my heart:
1) Seamus using Tamerlain to defeat Yen Shen, the embodiment of Cinderella.
2) Barnaby finding himself face to face with the Urban Renewal League and talking is way out of it.
3) Grekos using his incredible speed to rush after an escaping car.
4) The chimera Fiona
5) The redemption of Joseph Van Noceti III
6) The Frost Queen
7) The fight to free David in Goblin Town
8) The first appearance of the Tithed Ones

Up next?

Robotech!

Drunken Despidida
Attended Dia's despidida party today. It was held at a small quant place along Morato called Lut's eatery. Barely ate and had two beers when both Tina and GJ offered me another beer. Me, being the weak beer drinker I am (I prefer tequila or vodka) found myself having a strange time singing and dancing and hooting like some monkey.

Was a bit depressed to know Dia is leaving ABS-CBN Global, but at the same time am terribly excited for her. She' s going to take up nursing and I can't wait to see exactly where her new path in life takes her. Dia, if you ever read this, I have full faith in you. You always could achieve whatever you set your mind to achieving. May the Lord be kind and allow us to cross paths again someday.

See some of the many pictures we took that night:

Dia and me. Damn, I really have to get more sun.

Singing the night away with a heartful rendition of "This guy is in love with you, pare!"

They who were behind me getting drunk. Actually, blame god (GJ). It was his beer!

My gang with the soon-to-leave Dia.

Ahem... Me and my blood-sister Tina (She shares my birthdate.)

Watching others humiliate themselves like I did while Willy sings She Bangs!

Para hindi naman panay ako: Other guests who also attended.

So Dia, bon voyage!
And do stay in touch!

After reading WE3
I find this.

Okay, now I am suddenly fucking scared.

We3

Typically, I loathe dogs and cats. They scratch, they bite, they smell weird and they tend to be very messy animals. I know I know... a lot of you out there would hate me for being one of those people who hates dogs and cats, but don't worry, though I don't hate rabbits, I find them smelly, messy and annoyingly fat too.

I mean come on, I call my blog the Garapata can speak.
That should be a hint how i feel about dogs to say the least.

But after reading Grank Morrison and Frank Quitely's WE3, I just... damn, I don't know what to say about it other than this is one self-contained 3 issue mini that everyone who ever loved animals or hated them SHOULD READ.

There's so much to say about what I like about it, that I am too afraid of spoiling things if I start. So let me just say that may I one day be able to make something like this. Really. Its just...

Wow.
Stinky man evil.

Learned some things today...
...which I can't talk about yet.
Well, I guess it was inevitable.
And I guess some things just happen.
While others things were planned.

Life goes on.

Anyone who can help, do contact me asap
My officemate's aunt needs Blood Type A+
If anyone out there in Manila can help, do contact me asap.
Thanks.

OHMIGOD!!!
This was a blast to read.
And to think me and my buddies got plans on flying to Japan for a vacation someday.
Hehehhe...