Had to do it
Had a fight with a friend yesterday.
It wasn't something I wanted to do, but when it came to light that all my actions will eternally be colored wrongly by an event in the past, I realised this was not a healthy friendship to maintain. It is sad how friendships can fall apart when there is a state of one-sidedness existing, and its even harder when the one not being a friend-in-return is absolutely blind to that fact. After all, one can't demand it be returned. No, that wouldn't be right. But one does expect it to exist for if it doesn't, why is it even being called a friendship.
Even know, it feels hard and painful to think about the need I have not to respond to text messages and phone calls I am getting in regards to this. Its hard to stay strong for myself and to keep in mind, it isn't healthy anymore. Let it go. You can't always be there for those who don't really do the same for you.
You can't always be understanding of those who never even try to understand you.
And so, I am sticking to my guns. I am letting the wounds heal. I am closing my doors and allowing myself to breathe. I am freer. I am happier.
But I do have regrets.
My other friends were very supportive. They told me some people just are like that and its not really their fault. They told me that doing whats best doesn't always feel right or easy. They told me that's where true friends can be discovered, when they respect your needs and requests (though not necessarily concede to them) especially when you need them the most.
I asked for silence. For a break. A time out. I did not want to talk.
All I got were repeated calls. Messages of apologies which though I believe were meant just didn't feel real since they seem to be so quickly said. Requests for second chances. For forgiveness.
Did you even hear what I said?
Why is it anything I say is so quickly forgotten.
Why is it I am always expected to be there for you?
Why couldn't you just give me that break. And let me call you when things were better?
I guess, its because, you needed say the apology. Needed to hear me say its okay now.
You didn't think about what I needed really. What I asked for.
If you can't see the difference between the two, then that's all the more the reason why it won't work out.
I hate being selfish. I hate making sure I am getting what I deserve. I hate having to be strong for myself. Its so much easier to take care of others. To make others laugh.
But today, I will have to be.
After all, no one else will right now.
No one else will but me.