10 Things Tobie Shall Keep In Mind.

Things to keep in mind:

1) Stand firm on your values
Best to not sacrifice them again.  Even if you think it was for the best.
In the end, they help define you.
And in the end, you will not regret your actions.

2) Know that others will always WANT to share their opinions, even if you don't want to hear them.
So just let them talk and if you really truly feel it serves you no good, let the noise pass you by.
They will always find others who will be willing to be judged by their words.
So don't be that person if you don't want to.

3) Be deserved.
If you don't feel you're being appreciated, then say it.
Being a martyr helps no one.

4) Know the limits of need.
Sometimes, however, realize that being appreciated may take time.
And if the person is worth it, then feel free to give that time.
If too much time passes, however, know you have every right to say, "Enough."

5) Accept there are cancers in the world.
You can't make the world 100% better.
Even if you know it would be for the best.
Many times, you will have to just accept the fact there are undesirables in the world.
Just be glad you know you aren't one of them.

6) Don't be afraid to say, "It is none of your business."
Most of the time, it isn't.
So tell them off if you must.

7) Move forward.
Linger only if you see there's a point to.  But if you don't, then move forward.
You will only see what you deserve based on what you allow yourself to be exposed to.
And ultimately, it is your choice what you will accept.

8) It does not hurt to be nice.
But it doesn't mean you become plastic.
Just don't sink to their level.
(Most of the time, after all, they believe they stand at a higher level.)

9) Be wary of mind games.
It has always been a useful tool others use in sounding smarter,
or making others "think" they are more important.
So be aware when they are being used.
Call them out if you feel you're the target of one.
You're only a victim of it if you allow yourself to be.

10) Remember, in the end, we're all doing what we believe is best.
So let others do what they think they must.
And be there to be supportive, if you honestly still want to.
You are under no obligation to do so.
But when you do choose to, it has to be because you truly believe it is worth it.

Ch-ch-ch-changes....

Lines on my face care of Brian being better at Tongits than May.

Life this year has been a tremendously adventurous one.   Whereas the previous years have always had their own exciting moments and unexpected twists, this year has been one with life-changing ramifications.

Since it is still too early for a year-recap, lemme just focus instead on some important lessons and reminders that life has chosen to bequeath upon me this year:


1)  Life is more like a bucket of strawberries.  They were all meant to be good and yummy, but you can't help the fact there will always be somethings that won't be.   How you deal with them, however, is always up to you.

Read more at
http://garapata.blogspot.com

Updating the Food Porn

With the recent weather related events, I felt it was prudent to not have Food Porn updates for a while. Unlike someone people who might have felt it was within their rights to party the night the storm hit (or was that photo proven to be a hoax? Facebookers, you know which one I am talking about) Rocky and I decided to be a tad more low key out of respect to those who were struggling or starving the days that followed.

Here are the pictures, however, of the last few Food Porn days which we opted not to have online during those trying days. While we may not be like a certain socialite who wants to "party for the victims," we definitely want to encourage others who might have not tried to take a hand at cooking to go for it. A few months ago, the idea that we'd actually be having these kinds of food at home - cooked by our very own hands - was nothing but a distant dream.

So while we may not be Foodies who can quote from Julia Child, I will quote her right now and end this with this:
"This is my invariable advice to people: Learn how to cook- try new recipes, learn from your mistakes, be fearless, and above all have fun!"

[captions to follow]

Cry woof.

One of my pet peeves remains the fact that there are people out there who seem to have the mistaken belief they have a right to misrepresent who others are to their friends and acquaintances.  For some, it is as simple as merely choosing to use some catch-all label to encourage some level of discrimination for one's friends to latch on.  For others, it can be a full blown misdirection of the true relationship to save one's own face.

Blind items are one thing.
We all post blind items at one point or another.  Something as simple as "I just hate stupid people" can be a blind item regarding someone who didn't heed one's advice.  Or maybe a "Nakakapagod ka" is intended as a blind item attempt to just voice out how sick and tired one is of another's foolishness.

But creating controversy to the extent that it ruins friendships, or has once good friends suddenly tell you they're "no longer comfortable with you" is another thing entirely.

Let's face it, we all have our moments when we can't help but really hate another person.  At times, its due to what they have done, or how they choose to do certain things.  Sometimes it can be something worse.  Maybe they simply practice a lifestyle which you despise.  Or perhaps they love to indulge in the fruits and resources of others as if they were their own, then hold those who point such facts out in contempt.  Or even maybe, they believe by wont of their place in society or occupation, they are better than others and should be treated like gods on Earth.

And with such frustrations, it isn't uncommon that we feel the need to vent out.  To release frustrations in our blogs.  Or to twitter or facebook status our disapproval of such things.  But the beauty in doing so it one keeps such things anonymously private.  One doesn't sink down to a level of letting others think low of the said person.  Any "connections" they may form are connections they themselves deduce on their own, based on their own observations and knowledge of events.

The irony is when one tries to focus on the better and positive, any future vents or posts which may somehow suggest or be connected to past issues and grievances are far too easily lumped as future rants.  Complain once, for example, about how a celebrity has a vain selfish attitude problem, any future posts about vanity or money-obsessed people and there will be those who will think its still about the celebrity.

Such, I guess is the problem with the soapbox an internet based blog or "diary" poses.  More so when people who aren't meant to be your readers are the ones who seem to be paying attention to them, then making future fuss over it.

Thankfully, the truth does come out in time.  And when the truth does come out it can be a real bitch at times.  Just like back in college when I was wrongly marginalized by a group of former friends, while it may take years for the truth behind events to be learned, when it does come out those who were behind the malice become apparent.   And such justice, while delayed at times, is always worth the wait.

So to all you folks out there who love ruining the name or reputation of others, cry woof all you want.  Bark as much as you want to.  Wolves and Dogs, while related, aren't the same thing.

Time is on our side... yes it is.

icky Love bOosTer

I am a good person.

I was raised with values. I was brought up to have morals.  I grew up knowing that there are rules and that they were made to be followed.   And I am well aware that there are times rules cannot apply, as well as the fact there have been times that I have broken the rules with a clear understanding that I have chosen to do so.

But I definitely understand how in a relationship certain rules must always apply.

The first is Trust.

In any relationship, there has to be trust.  Real trust.  Honest trust.   Not the kind where you sleep around in secret while your partner waits for you at home.  Not the kind where you tell the rest of the world you're single almost as if you're embarrassed to admit someone holds your heart.   You must have trust and it must be real.

Some people mistake being possessive for trust.   Other people mistake being investigative as a test of trust.  Ultimately trust is not something you do.  It is something you live with another person.  And when this kind of trust is broken, and one honestly and truly hopes to regain it and repair the damage wrought by its abuse, the one who has done this can NEVER ever claim to have fully paid their dues.   That is not the breaker's right.  That is not the breaker's choice.   For something that is lived, the breaker for the rest of his life will and must do what he can to regain it.

And if that breaker does it again.   And again.   One can only imagine the level of selfish pride that person could have to even claim he's paid his dues.

Trust is a tangible thing in a relationship.  It is a good pair of worn yet study shoes that helps a couple get through adversity.  It is a well-made umbrella that can hold up against any storm.  Sometimes, it might leak.  Or sometimes, some rocks might slip in and make the toes hurt, but only an intentional act can truly break it, and only a lie from the start can make it weak from the beginning.

The second rule is Sensitivity.

In a relationship, two people choose to share their lives to each other.   Two people allow their experiences to become a wonderfully symbiotic swirl of lives, dreams, fears and passions to interweave and flow with each other.  But this closeness has a price and that price is the rule of sensitivity.  One should never ever focus solely on oneself or simply wait for the other to complain.  One must learn to feel his partner's nuances and to be able to read his partner's reactions.  This is a bit trickier due to the simple fact many relationships tend to have their own little games.  Even worse with the fact many people tend to think the games ARE necessary for a relationship to work.

But no, a real relationship works because in terms of sensitivity, the partners are well aware of each other's feelings, and know when something goes too far or if something is getting abusively selfish.

It is easy to mistake sensitivity for many less-favorable things:  Being overly sensitive or emotionally melodramatic is not being sensitive.  Neither is being over-protective or jealous.  While any normal relationship may have some level of teasing, joking around, light-hearted games or moments of being mysterious or secretive for the right reasons, sensitivity kicks in when one considers simple questions:  How will my partner really feel about me doing this?  Would I be okay if this is done by my partner as well?  

One doesn't need to have telepathy or to wait for a fight to know if the other is hurt or demeaned by one's actions.  One merely has to be sensitive.  And yes, it can get very hard to be sensitive if one's focus is more on how others would view you as a couple.  Many couples get too caught up in "looking good and perfect" for those around them, they forget to consider how the partner might already be feeling internally.

The third rule is Patience.  

In many ways, this is a tough rule.  After all, patience can too easily be confused with being passive.  Or being non-responsive.  But if one has learned to bear in mind the first two rules, trust and sensitivity can make patience pretty much second nature to accomplish.

Patience sadly is the one most easily abused as well by a partner who fails to truly have the first two rules.  In a relationship, one has to learn that the role of patience goes far beyond merely waiting for the other to get home from work, or to wait for say, a few minutes after an unresponded to message then complain or suspect something is up.  Patience is learning to accept the simple truth that we are all individuals - people with their own interests, dreams, hobbies and sources of joy.  In some cases, we find someone who shares many of this.  In others, we find our differences make the relationship more interesting.   Patience is what allows us to love the fact that our partner finds joys in other things as well, and shares that experience with us.  Patience in a healthy relationship is going to see a movie you don't normally see because you will enjoy seeing your partner who has been waiting to see it for months so happy to watch it.   Or watching one go shopping and not being impatient, because you know the other is aware you are waiting and still wants to make the right choice.  It is spending time together in a room, quietly busy with your own responsibilities or hobbies, but never feeling the need to demand attention from the other.  It is understanding that a relationship will always have some level of give and take.  It is clearly embracing the fact that, thanks to trust and sensitivity, you do this because you are happy how it makes your partner happy, and you know your partner does the same for you.

The last rule for me Responsibility. 

In a relationship that works, both partners are responsible.    This is a responsibility that reflects the first three rules and at the same time reinforces them.    From the most basic level, in a relationship, both partners know what they have to do from the economic to the emotional level.   This, after all, ain't The SIMS where one can create a person in the house solely made to work all day and generate money while the other person burns through the funds, parties all night and lives the life in some ways all of us secretly hope to have thanks to how popular media has brainwashed us.  This is real life.  Money is required to buy food, to pay the bills, and work is necessary to get that money.  Beyond merely monetary responsibilities, there are of course other responsibilities such as keeping the house clean, having food to eat, making sure the budget is maintained and never neglecting your children (typically at the start, your pets) and their own needs. 

And even beyond that, there are the personal responsibilities as well as the responsibilities to one's partner.

No, I don't mean having to "update them when you are out" because that's covered in trust and sensitivity and patience.    I don't mean pointing fingers either at who should have done what and whatnot.  But I mean, remembering to have time for your partner one way or another at the same time being aware of how limited the time can also be.   I mean making plans with your partner to enjoy the fruits of your hard-earned cash together and not simply splurging it unless someone complains.   I mean understanding one cannot condense failing in the first three rules for a number of years, being forgiven and given more than just a second chance, then making a huge fuss when your partner makes a similar mistake.  Responsibility in many ways is similar to being equal.  Being fair.  And once again, while absolute equality is impossible (after all, we aren't able to literally measure experiences and events and cut them in half) it can be accomplished with the first three rules guiding you.  And each time you accomplish it, the first three rules are even strengthened further.

Some of you readers might find it strange that love isn't a rule.  Or why other things like honesty or communication are not listed as rules.  Personally, its because they aren't rules. 
Honesty is a choice born from one's desire to accomplish Trust.   Honesty is also a choice to achieve a level of sensitivity.   Communication is developed in the yearning to achieve all four rules better.   And Love?

Love was always the elusive factor in any relationship. 
Truth be told, many relationships existed before love came into the picture.   Some forged relationships out of sheer lust and the desire to have more frequent sex.  Others were created out of necessity, be it due to cultural, societal or financial reasons.   There are even a few that exist out of the sole need to appear to be together.

Then there are those who learn to love each other.  Many believe this is the best form of love.  But few realize this is looking at things in reverse.   This has the frightening possibility of mistaking compromise and settling for "the second best" as love.    This is looking at love as the "reason" the four rules must be achieved.  You hear people saying, "I HAVE to trust him cause I love him," rather than "I love him because I can trust him."  While it sounds more romantic to say the first, its not being realistic. 

And there are those, rarer still, fall in love. 
Not the first time you meet you want to know what the other is like in bed.  Not the when you first looked at the other person you realized that person was the splitting image of your biggest celebrity crush.   Not the we meet and we knew it was forever.   Although in some odd ways, things that start that way CAN still lead to falling in love.

Falling in love isn't about when it happens.  

It is about simply feeling love is actually present and real because the four rules above are constantly lived and nourished in the relationship.

It is learning to treat the other person the way you know you too should be treated, and achieving a life shared despite being two actual physical individuals.   And from that symbiotic relationship, the four rules very easily and naturally come into place.  

Cause that's what love ultimately is:  A mutual level of trust, sensitivity, patience and responsibility that encourages honesty, passion, communication, openness and loyalty. 

And love cannot be faked.
No matter how many other people you convince otherwise with lies.

I am a good person.
And one of my mistakes was getting interested in someone who wasn't free.  While I can state the facts that their relationship, before they broke up, was not founded on these rules, I will plainly admit the fact what I did was still something others would look unkindly towards.  However, between me and the other person, the rules are there.  We live them.  Every single day.  Every single second.  And we fell in love.  

Something this real doesn't happen every day. 
Something this connected is worth seeing to the end.

I have no regrets.

Soon, opinions will come.  Insults will be thrown.  Claims be made.  The facts can be gathered.  Or opinions might just be shared.  Maybe there will be lies.  Maybe half-truths.  Maybe holier than thou statements or declarations of supposed moral fiber.  But ultimately the truth shall be clear.  Our lives shall prove it.  Demonstrate it.    Reveal it.

This is real.  This is love. 

This is worth it.


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strange title?  Maybe.  There is a meaning in everything after all.

other title choices included:   "Call me what you will.." (but it sounded too aggressive), "the Four Real Rules of Love" (but that seemed too boring, although has viral potential) Non-Fiction:  Why I don't Do Quickies (but only works for those who know I usually post Quickie Fiction) and The Rules (which kinda was too vague).