Updates so far for May and June

Life truly has its ups and downs.

Just wanted to post a brief summary of things that I've been dealing with, or celebrating so far.

Still loving my job as a Game Designer for Indigo Entertainment.  The work can be tremendously stressful and at times, feel like I'm juggling way too many projects with one hand, but man the idea that I am creating GAMES as a living is truly a dream come true.  The idea that I have started games that have entertained, challenged and been enjoyed by kids all over out there in the world is amazing.  I have James and Dokes to always thank for that.

My dad was recently confined at the hospital and I had to stay with him for a week to make sure he was doing well.  I was happy to be able to be there for him, given all the years that he and mom spent making sure that their second son was happy, healthy and given access to education and safety.  It was a scary time for us, admittedly, but thankfully we were able to get through it and found our bonds as family members even getting stronger in the process.  Dad's home now and on the road to recovery.  Life get's better.

I started cooking and baking again.  And each time I do, I find myself dedicating it to PJ.  I still miss PJ a lot.  I still find myself sometimes wishing he'd suddenly text or call me and ask me to head out with him to Ortigas and enjoy the music, the dancing and the laughs.  I still find myself replaying the scenes in the hospital.  Still find myself at times wishing I could have done more.  But I do push myself to focus on the positive side of things.  To remember the lessons he taught me.  To think of the tips he shared with me.    I tried using a bigger knife when I prepped dinner the other night.  I recall PJ used to always tell me that I should stop using a Pearing knife for everything.  I don't think I'll ever stop missing him.

Yoshi is also doing better.  After a bout of fungal infection, he's feeling much better now and is starting to grow back his wonderful hair.  We are considering trimming him this much once a year to help him deal with the summer heat better.  He kinda looks more like Doby the House Elf right now, which is quite endearing.

Rocky and I have also been spending lots of time celebrating our geeky life together.  He got us a pair of Star Trek communicator/badges which have powerful magnets so we don't ruin the shirts we wear.  We also invested in getting a few more board games including Risk: The Dalek Invasion of Earth, The Lords of Waterdeep, Pret-A-Porter and Merlin's Company, the expansion to Shadows Over Camelot.  Gaming kinda slowed down given the recent events and summer trips, but now we are working on getting thinks back to stride.  Rocky is also now the proud owner of the Dr. Who novels, both the individual novels for each doctor and the novels dedicated to the different monsters.  It looks tremendously beautiful on our selves and I'm happy to have helped him make up his mind to get them.

Then there's Ben Woerner's A World of Dew which is a spin-off of John Wick's Blood and Honor game.  I was very excited about the book that I messaged Ben ideas on how I'd love to expand the game.  Thankfully he took my pitches seriously and has made my contribution one of the stretch goals for the release of the book! The Kickstarter was incredibly successful, netting over $16,000 even with an initial goal of only $2,000.  This will be another chance for me to contribute to the rpg community and I'm pretty psyched about it.  You can still check out the Kickstarter here:  https://www.kickstarter.com/projects/381911690/a-world-of-dew-a-samurai-noir-role-playing-game

Finally, we're watching over Misty, Prince's dog, for the meantime while he has his trip to Cebu.  The dog has been a bit demanding for attention but I've been training him to be more calm and orderly.  He still whines every now and then, but I am hoping to teach him to be more patient and calm like how Yoshi is.  Given she's a girl and Yoshi is a boy, I've resorted to keeping them separated with a pen for now, just because I'm worried they might.. you know.. when I'm not looking.

But yeah, overall, life is good.
And tomorrow is going to be better!

The Garapata Keeps Moving Forward

Slowly things are getting better.  Navigating these waters is a tricky business.  Too much and you may find yourself confusing clouds for signal flares.  Too little and you may find yourself marooned in an island of self-pity and doubt.

Rocky celebrated his birthday quite recently, with a touch of geekiness, Pottermania, Foreign Adorkabletude and Japanumami.  Prince found himself in a situation where his life could have been in danger.  Thankfully, both events turned out okay.  And while there are occasional moments of confusion and uncertainty, there are things that shine bright and cannot be denied.

Tori Amos has released a new song too.
Called Flavor, the song seems to remind me of her musical approach during To Venus and Back.
http://soundcloud.com/transistor-six/toriamos-flavor/s-7KPzC
Admittedly, I am still kind of hoping she steps back towards the glory days of Under the Pink and Boys for Pele.  I doubt she will ever match up to her intensity in Little Earthquakes.
Sadly, Gold Dust (her upcoming album) doesn't have that many new songs.

1. FLAVOR
2. YES, ANASTASIA
3. JACKIE'S STRENGTH
4. CLOUD ON MY TONGUE
5. PRECIOUS THINGS
6. GOLD DUST
7. STAR OF WONDER
8. WINTER
9. FLYING DUTCHMAN
10. PROGRAMMABLE SODA
11. SNOW CHERRIES FROM FRANCE
12. MARIANNE
13. SILENT ALL THESE YEARS
14. GIRL DISAPPEARING

"Gold Dust is about celebrating over 20 years of all the conversations that have happened which inspired many of these songs and it's a collection of new recordings of where they are now and who they have become."

I love you Tori, but this feels sort of like a cop out to me.  The album has far too many old stuff in it.  And seems to once again be trying to keep things in a safe side.  Where's the daring and fearless approaches you've shown before?

Had a fantastic massage.  Needed that for quite some time.  And while the family business was juggling another mess, I found myself still happy to know things aren't as dark as they felt they were a month ago.  While I used to struggle to grasp the silver lining behind the clouds, this time, the rays of light were like a rainbow of promise.

While Coron and Boracay fell apart (along with around Php10,000 down the drain), and while my bank accounts are still reeling from nearly being reduced to barely a third of their savings, we've already prepped for, Rocky and I have made  reservations for a trip to Singapore.  We're keen on catching Jersey Boys and while it isn't til November, I feel pretty good about it.  In as much as November is still quite a while away, and Rocky and I aren't exactly back together, I don't feel that out-of-sorts about it.  I guess there's a bit more optimism now.

Life goes on.
I've walked 500 miles for sure.

And I'm going to walk 500 more.

Slowly Getting Back Together

I am. 

Not with anyone.  Just picking up the pieces of me that shattered.  It has been a month since the break up and frankly, I do feel much better.  While I still yearn for some parts of the past, admittedly I have begun to realize how much more the decision was for the best.  So many things in the way things were before were not quite as cheerful as I had hoped to believe.  And while I don't plan to make this post a mud slinging one, I do expect there might be parts that sound like it even if I try my best to keep a civil tone.

But yeah, it has been a long and tiring process of finding myself again.  While I still remain adamant with my recent proclamations, I have to admit it stings when I realize I have to be more patient and understanding in the coming days weeks months.  Rocky still has his own journey to go through and I respect that.  While we are generally okay, still sharing the Seitch Creare, there are the awkward moments which some times tear me up and make me start singing a certain The Clash song in my head.   But given how these moments tend to clearly be cases of me being too emotionally sensitive, or worse me being stupid enough to still expect certain things to be the same, I just have to really thank Rocky for being very patient with me when these spills happen.

 Admittedly, gaming has been a huge source of stress-relief for me.  While not really for its escapist properties, gaming makes me really feel good because during the games, I see myself, Rocky, and the usual gang laughing a storm and enjoying the growing tale.  Echoes of how simple and happy things were before shine through.

But for now, the journey continues.

It is funny how many people have messaged me (either privately through Facebook or through text) to throw in a compliment or sneak in a suggestive offer.  I still hold that I'm not that attractive, but I guess there's a certain degree of charm that this 35-year old geek still holds.  It does feel quite flattering to be told I am handsome or still look great.   It does also add some fuel to the drive to work out, which has been something I've sort of adapted as a thing-to-do to help spend the free time I have in my hands.

In some strange way, it makes me think of all those people in prisons.  As one new friend threw at me, "You build your own jail."  While I know the friend meant well, and was simply trying to tell me I have to move forward, I don't quite see the need to equate moving forward to letting go of the love I have for Rocky.  However I did find it amusing that I am sort of spending my time like someone in prison:  working out, reading books (although admittedly, game books), and sadly slipped back into an old vice: smoking.  Who knows, maybe I'll even have a prison-break trip or a shower scene next hahahah!  But in all seriousness, I don't feel I'm in a prison.  I don't believe I'm wasting my time away in a cell.

I do know I don't feel as sociable as I used to be.  And unless its gaming-related, I don't quite feel up to having to entertain others.

But I guess taking things a day at a time in that manner does have its benefits.  My paunch has greatly been reduced and I do feel I'm slowly (finally) defining my long neglected chest and arms.  I wonder if a large part of what makes it easier for me to work out after a break up is the fact eating feels so much less fun to do alone.  Suddenly, the slew of carbs and ice creams that I used to just funnel down my throat come to a near standstill, giving me the wondrous effects of a diet.

Camwhoring aside (and yes, I admit, I am intentionally doing that in these pictures), I hoped to hear from any readers if it does look like the working out is slowly paying off.  I still have my reservations that I might just be inflating the results out of a desperate need to feel like I'm not ugly.  Who was it who said it was the good looking folks who tend to need reassurance?  Maybe that applies to me.  Or maybe not.

I miss though feeling sexy and being teased about it.  There admittedly is a powerful ego boost to being forced to strip my shirt off during parties (and interestingly, those pictures should migrate to Facebook soon. Damn you Multiply for making it so hard to retrieve one's albums.)   I kinda miss that kind of attention, now that I have to embrace the life of a single guy.  While my heart is set on waiting for Rocky, I know I can't (and shouldn't) seek any attention from him.  He needs his space, and I need to really accept that we've broken up.  In some ways, it is easier with Prince given the details I do not plan to elaborate.  

Anyway, so I am slowly getting back together.  While last night seemed like a disaster, with plans falling apart, sleep barely an option, and a wobbly net being my constant companion, today is a slightly colder, but definitely clearer day.  I know things will be better as the days go by.  I know I might have to walk far more than 500 miles to get to where I want to be.  But I do know in the end, things will happen the way they are meant to happen.  And everything will have happened for a reason.

Argh it is already past one.   The laundry people should be arriving soon.  Haven't eaten a bite either, so I better go prepare myself a peanut butter sandwich and perhaps grab a shirt.

Perhaps. 

*winks*

My stand.

It is almost a full month now since the break-up and things have been moving generally in some direction.  Rocky continues his journey to find himself, and to understand what he truly wants to embrace in life.  Prince on the other hand continues to have moments where he tries to express his (sadly, too late) faith in the possibility of ASA family which contradicts his insistence that he's happy Rocky and I are back together. (We aren't.)

Beyond what I've said above, I am in no position to speak further of their own experiences.  After all, their paths are theirs to tread and nothing I can say would truly reflect what they know, feel, and think deep down.
But I can speak for what I am going through.
And I do admit I am trying to be careful how I express it.

I haven't been doing so out of a huge (and maybe as some insisted, misguided) desire to not hear from others anything negative they may have to say about either of them.  Even during the early days of the break-up, I found some of my friends unnecessarily taking up "sides" on whose fault is what, and who should do what.  Personally, I don't believe anyone else other than the three of us has any right to judge us.  We did what we did in hopes of achieving an ideal.  At least we tried.

But yes, we failed.  We crashed down from the dream and have the scars to prove it.

But going back to me.

It took me some time to collect my own thoughts.  On the break-up itself, I moved out of Cubao and back with my parents here in Paranaque.  It wasn't what I wanted to do, but I did feel it was something I had to do.  I got the Sietch many years back one April because I had found the man I love and I wanted us to have a quaint little place where our geekiness was welcomed.  A simple little part of the world we could call home.

When the story of our lives reached a point when Prince came to the fore, the three years of being together had to go for an ideal to be given a chance.  It wasn't a smooth ride.  It wasn't as happy as we could have hoped.  In truth, there were times it was painful.  It was sad.  It was horrible.  But the times when it worked, it worked wonderfully.  And those scant moments made me (then) believe I should never give up.

But yes, I gave up.  I was too tired.  I was too hurt.  It reached the point I could not make love to one without feeling I was cheating the other.  And while most readers would probably laugh and say, "That's expected" you have to realize had things been the ideal we had hoped, it wouldn't have been.

But the ideal was just an ideal.  And the reality was, it wasn't working out.

So we ended things.  And many cried foul.  Some even wondered why Rocky and I had to break up, when supposedly it was Prince who had issues.  Others wondered why we only broke up after six months.  Ultimately, the answer to the first is: We started together.  We end it together.
To the second:  None of your business.

And after much time musing on things alone, I found myself coming to a basic truth:  When all was quieter.  When all was darkest.  I found myself missing one person alone.  I found myself wishing one person back.  And just like before.. when things went hazy because lies were revealed, or when things went cruel because illusions were maintained, I fought for what I believed in and I fought to give us both what I believe we deserve.  

I want you back, Rocky.

But I know I need to feel you want me back too.  I know I need to see it.   Because I know I need to feel I am worth that much to you as well.

I know I will try to be patient.  Perhaps I need to find a way to be absolutely more patient than I am now.  And I know this blog post is possibly unwanted.  Perhaps just a new load of pressure thrown your way.  But I can't remain silent and just pretend I am okay with just being friends.  I can't just wait and hope the message gets across.

I love you Rocky.  I want you back in my life.
I will try to wait a bit longer.

I will try not to break.
And I hope you someday soon also see, you deserve me.

800ml Ice Cream All Alone...

I still feel a tad sad with what has transpired.
But yes, finally, conclusively it can be said.  The ASA family is now over.

What will happen to Baduy Pride, and to ASA Travel and Tours remains to be seen.  In many ways, both will live on, but perhaps slightly different if not very changed from when they were first conceived.

Yes I do still feel sad.
Because I really did pour my heart out into trying to help it work.  I tried to do what I could to reach out to both ends.  I tried to be sensitive.  I tried to make all my choices based on what I thought the over-all scenario needed.

And in the end, I wasn't always right.  I wasn't always sensitive.  And I was definitely not always happy.

There are many scars left in the wake of things.
Physical.  Emotional.  And in some ways, even mental.
There were wonderful moments.  Loving special times.  But when it went bad, things went very bad.  Physically painful.  Emotional wrenching.  And deep down, I knew it was a question of patience.  Or time.
Or trust.

Too much, too soon.
Too little, too late.
And now, things are as they are.

I do believe everything has a reason.  I do believe everything is meant to lead to better things in the end.
I do believe that things will work out.

No, that doesn't mean I believe the ASA family will reunite.
I don't think that means either that Rocky and I are back together.
I do believe it means, we will find what we want, what we deserve, and what we need...
and we will soon see how these three things will interconnect, or turn out to be totally different things.

Am I tempted to visit Prince and check on him?  Absolutely.
Am I tempted to visit Rocky, wake him for work, cook him breakfast, and make sure he gets to work safely?  Without a doubt.

But I can't.
I shouldn't.
I won't.

For now, I have to just let things be.  Stay in touch, perhaps.  But let things be.
And know, everything happens for a reason.

Especially this.

Just a post on the current state of our lives

There really isn't much to say about the relationship that just ended.  All I really feel like saying is it ended because it had to, and we are all at a point in our lives where we are looking for ourselves and determining what we really want in life.

Me, I believe I already know what I want.

I do know I want things to be simpler.  I want the happiness to be true.  I want the relationship to thrive without having to coddle it, or baby it, or struggle to keep it.

Do I love Rocky?  Absolutely.
Do I love Prince?  I know I do.
But am I still in love with them both?
I am starting to understand the answer to that question.
Loving someone, and being in love with someone are two different things.  And in many ways I am starting to realize where I stand in this, given everything that has happened.

I do want them both to be happy.  And I am starting to realize that may require two different approaches.

So yes, time does make things clearer.
And yes, there may still be pain in the end of this tunnel.

But at least, we're all being honest.
At least we're all doing what we believe is best.

It ends.

didn't have the strength to accept it yesterday.

but i know i should.

Brighter Every Day

I just have to say I haven't been blogging much lately because I realize I don't really have much to rant about lately in life.   Admittedly, there are the constant sources of frustration still there (such as stupid drivers on the road, or idiotic people whose social climbing attempts get directed at putting me down) but overall, life has been a wonderful continuing ride with Rocky and Prince at my side and Yoshi at my feet.

Life is grand.

It gets brighter every single day.

In a few days, one month na...

Yep.

The Little Prince.
The Golden Egg.

I am one very happy doggie.

:-)

This is for you, our lovely Prince.