Monday, September 03, 2012

Thoughts while Driving

Found myself thinking of a lot of things on my drive to work today.  I guess that's just how the brain works sometimes.  Certain thoughts rise to the surface much faster once you let the mind wander.  Sometimes, you find yourself realizing things you didn't think about before.  Other times, you realize there are certain things that have changed.

Just thought I best blog them down so I don't forget them:

Intellectual Connections are more sexy than Physical Traits, even in one night stands.
On Rocky's urging, I joined Grindr and other social networks catering to the homosexual and bisexual kind on a bid to stay more social and decrease what was my growing spiral of depression since the break-up.  Admittedly, I found myself enjoying the new connections I was making through it.  And while I already knew I wasn't going to find anyone who will top my feelings for Rocky, I will admit I did get messages from a lot of guys I would consider to be hot.

And yet.  Nothing.
They were flattering me.  They were sending me pictures.   And I just found myself saying thanks and not really feeling excited.  The lack of an intellectual connection was very apparent.  And the lack of the right wavelength spoke volumes.

Someone once said, we don't choose who we love.
I realize now that is more true than I thought.

My Libido, while strong, is not overpowering.
I half expected myself to be relishing the freedom of being single.  Admittedly, I was worried that I'd be enjoying the thrills of NSA (No Strings Attached), but instead all I felt was the growing yearning to truly belong to someone.  And I guess it goes without saying, I do sincerely believe I already have found that very person.  Granted, back when the ASA family was still standing, I found myself seeing two different kinds of sincere love, I realize how that one was based on a strong vibrant wavelength, while the other, while no less real, was not quite in synch with mine.  At some point, I have to be honest and admit I was afraid that it was mostly a sexual relationship, but I realize now that even if the sex was wonderful in a different way, it wasn't the thing that made me hold on to it for so long.  It was just the hopeful desire to make things work out.

And that's not a strong foundation for any relationship.

If anyone is meant to be with someone else, it is a feeling that does not find itself hindered by the need to be someone else.  It is a feeling of being accepted as you are, and being respected as well.  Once there are things awry between those two, the relationship shifts from being about the people to being about the relationship.  And that can spell disaster if one does not realize that has happened.

Am I still horny as hell?  Oh yes.
Are there potential options for me to embrace to get it off?  Absolutely.  The constant chiming of messages from Grindr are proof of that.

But to my surprise, I don't find myself caring as much about it as I thought.
I mean, the idea of having fun while I'm single is definitely a thought I am entertaining.  But I do know for certain I am in no way looking for a replacement or a new beginning.  I'm just keeping myself busy (or entertained) til what I really hope to embrace finally embraces me back.

Friends do exist in the unlikely places.
During the first week of the break-up, I felt very alone.  It was not that I didn't have friends, or didn't believe I had people I could reach out to.  It was just an over-all feeling of anger and depression that colored everything in a bad light.  I didn't want to reach out to friends, worried they'd simply having something painful to say about Rocky or Prince.  I didn't want to bother others because I didn't feel they would ever understand what we went through.  

But yes even in Grindr, I found myself making new friends. Young ones.  Older ones.  Some in unique situations.  Others enveloped in events I found all to familiar.  But ultimately, people whom I found myself sharing my geekdom with, or my opinions and time.  So it is nice knowing you can find friends in the unlikeliest of places.  Even in places where others only worry about the next fat dick.

I deserve my happiness.
And this was the last realization.  I deserve it.  I deserve it 100%
I deserve to be more than a back-up plan.  I deserve to be more than just the one who has to understand everything.  I deserve it more than just the person who has to take the punches and heal the scars.  I deserve it more than I allowed myself to and that is something that will have to change.

I can't always just be understanding.  I can't always try to see the better side.  I can't always just pretend I don't feel left out, or untrusted with truth, or okay with the fact I'm not really being given the same level of openness and trust that I willingly hand out.

I deserve to be wanted.
I deserve to be fought over.
I deserve to be won.

I am a prize catch.
I am smart, handsome and creative.  I am witty, grounded and strong.  I am intelligent, sociable and economically stable.  I am moral and a man rich in virtues.  I am firm in my views and rich in character.  I am a prize catch.  I am a geek, a gamer, and a writer.  I am an artist.  I am art.

I am someone who deserves his happiness.

So if you want me, it isn't just "come and get me" anymore.
It is prove it.
Because I deserve to see you deserve me too.

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