Saturday, September 15, 2012

Grapes... it ends with grapes.

 The trip continues. 

Keeping it brief:  Day one was frustrating but still had its moments.  While we do love moments when things go well, I just really find myself struggling when things go south.  Seriously, at 35 years old, you'd think by now you'd realize I ain't exactly that naive about the world anymore.  Especially when the discussion is logging into a fucking email account.  Sheesh.

Canceled plans. Understandable reasons, especially given how I was only able to finish work so late.   Horribly late dinner.   The foodcourt closed at 10 and we showed up at 11 (with of course one commenting, "Dapat kasi dumiretso na tayo dito,"  I was so tempted to reply, "Well, if I didn't have to FUCKING work during this family trip, then maybe yeah we could have.")

 Wifi woes.  God knows I need a smoke, but told myself to not bring any today.   A step in cutting back down I guess.   Body knows I need a fuck, but I guess better I behave than let foreign elements tap into my system.   Already shot down five people as of yesterday and this morning.  And we haven't even hit the 24-hour mark yet.

Don't like being treated as a child.  Then chided when I remind them I'm an adult.  Don't like having to act as if I'm dumb just not to challenge the intellectual expectations of others.   Don't like feeling like a last resort.  Don't like being just a friend.  I'm not a faceless body.  I'm not a brainless geek.  I'm not being difficult, I'm just way ahead of what you're already thinking of.  And guess what, in the end I turn out to be right.

Tired of so many things.  If this was a book, it sure has a lot of pages that are a struggle to get through.

The next chapter.. Must survive til the next chapter.

Don't want to give up.

So pulling myself together.  Finding my focus.  Loading up Kylie to have her on full repeat in my brain.  She was singing Locomotion as I typed this entry.  A nice gentle reminder that happiness is a choice I can make.  Tempted to bring the Jake-Finn bag just for kicks.  I don't care how childish I will look having it.  I'm a proud geek, and a prouder bisexual man.  I'm a gamer and a storyteller.  I am an artist, a writer, a director.  I am a creator.  I am a designer.  I am a force of creativity.  I am a font of inspiration.

I am going to get through this.
And I am going to eat the grapes of wrath with glee.

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