Monday, June 08, 2009

Internal World Building

I'm here at Sietch Creare, sitting at the poker table alone with the laptop as my link to the outside world.  To my right, the desktop is still running and attempts to connect to Rocky's facebook Restaurant City account have not worked for the last few minutes.  Earlier tonight, Rocky and I shared a delectable meal of rice, tuna and okra.  A few hours ago, we were sleeping amidst the cold weather and the quietly warm Monday sun.

Many things have happened to our lives in the last few months.  But considering this is my blog, it would be more acceptable and proper for me to simply discuss my side of things.

While I've been in some ways keeping some semblance of constant updates on my blog, there have been many things which of course have happened which I felt have rightly best been kept private.  Some friendships were ended.  Some relationships were closed.  Some lives changed, for better... for worse.  Some rooms transformed into prisons.  Some condos became homes.  Books, movies and music gained meaning beyond those intended by their authors and writers.  Some actions and words gained deeper messages specific people alone were meant to comprehend. 

All in all, everything that has happened was meant to happen.
Everything that has come to pass was part of the greater plan our Creator has for all of us.

It isn't perfect.
Allows me to state that again.  It isn't perfect.
There are days or nights when I find myself feeling unnecessarily needy.  Or times when I wish things could have been planned with me part of the planning session and not just learning of it.  Or moments I feel I am being a disappointment.  Or really stupid instances when I start wallowing in my fears of being inadequate.

But it works.
Communication keeps the wheels turning.  Honestly acts as the oil in making the gears move in synch.  Sensitivity is there to know when to pull or push.  When to stop.  When to start.

It ain't perfect, but it damn is close in many ways.
And yes, it can get really scary when I realize how well it works.   Brains working in an unspoken matched wavelength.  Thoughts are the equivalent of speaking.  A mere touch conveys so much more than a spoken word. 

Trust, Sensitivity, Patience and Responsibility.
They're all there, rich and well nurtured.  But not without effort, I will admit.  At times I do still have fears of failing to uphold them, or at times I have fears of, to quote a friend of mine, "self sabotaging a good thing again" but in some ways I am beginning to learn that they too are four keys I have to apply to myself.  I have to learn to trust myself.  To be sensitive to my own feelings.  To have patience and stop bringing my brain's paranoid thoughts to the fore too quickly.  To be responsible for my own actions and inactions towards how I think or what I personally have to confront within me.  And I am starting to realize its not easy to do these things after years of being a martyr for others... and it is harder even to not be afraid of overdoing not being one too.

But yes, in the months that have passed, I've realized in many ways I've slowly grown into a better person than I was.  Not perfect.  Not even nearly perfect.  But better.  More aware of my responsibilities.  Of what I deserve.  Of what I need.  Of what I can give.   And I've learned more the need to communicate.  To share.  To admit.  To declare.  To apologise.   And more importantly, to stop apologising too much.

And ultimately it helps even more to know it is all meant to be.

1 comment:

  1. I can only admire you guys from afar. Besides you really don't have to explain, since you believe things happen for a purpose and fate figures them right in the greater scheme of things. But thank you for sharing this.

    God bless you and Rocky very dearly with happy mornings and peaceful sunsets.



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