Saturday, August 25, 2012

Slowly Getting Back Together

I am. 

Not with anyone.  Just picking up the pieces of me that shattered.  It has been a month since the break up and frankly, I do feel much better.  While I still yearn for some parts of the past, admittedly I have begun to realize how much more the decision was for the best.  So many things in the way things were before were not quite as cheerful as I had hoped to believe.  And while I don't plan to make this post a mud slinging one, I do expect there might be parts that sound like it even if I try my best to keep a civil tone.

But yeah, it has been a long and tiring process of finding myself again.  While I still remain adamant with my recent proclamations, I have to admit it stings when I realize I have to be more patient and understanding in the coming days weeks months.  Rocky still has his own journey to go through and I respect that.  While we are generally okay, still sharing the Seitch Creare, there are the awkward moments which some times tear me up and make me start singing a certain The Clash song in my head.   But given how these moments tend to clearly be cases of me being too emotionally sensitive, or worse me being stupid enough to still expect certain things to be the same, I just have to really thank Rocky for being very patient with me when these spills happen.

 Admittedly, gaming has been a huge source of stress-relief for me.  While not really for its escapist properties, gaming makes me really feel good because during the games, I see myself, Rocky, and the usual gang laughing a storm and enjoying the growing tale.  Echoes of how simple and happy things were before shine through.

But for now, the journey continues.

It is funny how many people have messaged me (either privately through Facebook or through text) to throw in a compliment or sneak in a suggestive offer.  I still hold that I'm not that attractive, but I guess there's a certain degree of charm that this 35-year old geek still holds.  It does feel quite flattering to be told I am handsome or still look great.   It does also add some fuel to the drive to work out, which has been something I've sort of adapted as a thing-to-do to help spend the free time I have in my hands.

In some strange way, it makes me think of all those people in prisons.  As one new friend threw at me, "You build your own jail."  While I know the friend meant well, and was simply trying to tell me I have to move forward, I don't quite see the need to equate moving forward to letting go of the love I have for Rocky.  However I did find it amusing that I am sort of spending my time like someone in prison:  working out, reading books (although admittedly, game books), and sadly slipped back into an old vice: smoking.  Who knows, maybe I'll even have a prison-break trip or a shower scene next hahahah!  But in all seriousness, I don't feel I'm in a prison.  I don't believe I'm wasting my time away in a cell.

I do know I don't feel as sociable as I used to be.  And unless its gaming-related, I don't quite feel up to having to entertain others.

But I guess taking things a day at a time in that manner does have its benefits.  My paunch has greatly been reduced and I do feel I'm slowly (finally) defining my long neglected chest and arms.  I wonder if a large part of what makes it easier for me to work out after a break up is the fact eating feels so much less fun to do alone.  Suddenly, the slew of carbs and ice creams that I used to just funnel down my throat come to a near standstill, giving me the wondrous effects of a diet.

Camwhoring aside (and yes, I admit, I am intentionally doing that in these pictures), I hoped to hear from any readers if it does look like the working out is slowly paying off.  I still have my reservations that I might just be inflating the results out of a desperate need to feel like I'm not ugly.  Who was it who said it was the good looking folks who tend to need reassurance?  Maybe that applies to me.  Or maybe not.

I miss though feeling sexy and being teased about it.  There admittedly is a powerful ego boost to being forced to strip my shirt off during parties (and interestingly, those pictures should migrate to Facebook soon. Damn you Multiply for making it so hard to retrieve one's albums.)   I kinda miss that kind of attention, now that I have to embrace the life of a single guy.  While my heart is set on waiting for Rocky, I know I can't (and shouldn't) seek any attention from him.  He needs his space, and I need to really accept that we've broken up.  In some ways, it is easier with Prince given the details I do not plan to elaborate.  

Anyway, so I am slowly getting back together.  While last night seemed like a disaster, with plans falling apart, sleep barely an option, and a wobbly net being my constant companion, today is a slightly colder, but definitely clearer day.  I know things will be better as the days go by.  I know I might have to walk far more than 500 miles to get to where I want to be.  But I do know in the end, things will happen the way they are meant to happen.  And everything will have happened for a reason.

Argh it is already past one.   The laundry people should be arriving soon.  Haven't eaten a bite either, so I better go prepare myself a peanut butter sandwich and perhaps grab a shirt.


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