Tuesday, August 21, 2012

My stand.

It is almost a full month now since the break-up and things have been moving generally in some direction.  Rocky continues his journey to find himself, and to understand what he truly wants to embrace in life.  Prince on the other hand continues to have moments where he tries to express his (sadly, too late) faith in the possibility of ASA family which contradicts his insistence that he's happy Rocky and I are back together. (We aren't.)

Beyond what I've said above, I am in no position to speak further of their own experiences.  After all, their paths are theirs to tread and nothing I can say would truly reflect what they know, feel, and think deep down.
But I can speak for what I am going through.
And I do admit I am trying to be careful how I express it.

I haven't been doing so out of a huge (and maybe as some insisted, misguided) desire to not hear from others anything negative they may have to say about either of them.  Even during the early days of the break-up, I found some of my friends unnecessarily taking up "sides" on whose fault is what, and who should do what.  Personally, I don't believe anyone else other than the three of us has any right to judge us.  We did what we did in hopes of achieving an ideal.  At least we tried.

But yes, we failed.  We crashed down from the dream and have the scars to prove it.

But going back to me.

It took me some time to collect my own thoughts.  On the break-up itself, I moved out of Cubao and back with my parents here in Paranaque.  It wasn't what I wanted to do, but I did feel it was something I had to do.  I got the Sietch many years back one April because I had found the man I love and I wanted us to have a quaint little place where our geekiness was welcomed.  A simple little part of the world we could call home.

When the story of our lives reached a point when Prince came to the fore, the three years of being together had to go for an ideal to be given a chance.  It wasn't a smooth ride.  It wasn't as happy as we could have hoped.  In truth, there were times it was painful.  It was sad.  It was horrible.  But the times when it worked, it worked wonderfully.  And those scant moments made me (then) believe I should never give up.

But yes, I gave up.  I was too tired.  I was too hurt.  It reached the point I could not make love to one without feeling I was cheating the other.  And while most readers would probably laugh and say, "That's expected" you have to realize had things been the ideal we had hoped, it wouldn't have been.

But the ideal was just an ideal.  And the reality was, it wasn't working out.

So we ended things.  And many cried foul.  Some even wondered why Rocky and I had to break up, when supposedly it was Prince who had issues.  Others wondered why we only broke up after six months.  Ultimately, the answer to the first is: We started together.  We end it together.
To the second:  None of your business.

And after much time musing on things alone, I found myself coming to a basic truth:  When all was quieter.  When all was darkest.  I found myself missing one person alone.  I found myself wishing one person back.  And just like before.. when things went hazy because lies were revealed, or when things went cruel because illusions were maintained, I fought for what I believed in and I fought to give us both what I believe we deserve.  

I want you back, Rocky.

But I know I need to feel you want me back too.  I know I need to see it.   Because I know I need to feel I am worth that much to you as well.

I know I will try to be patient.  Perhaps I need to find a way to be absolutely more patient than I am now.  And I know this blog post is possibly unwanted.  Perhaps just a new load of pressure thrown your way.  But I can't remain silent and just pretend I am okay with just being friends.  I can't just wait and hope the message gets across.

I love you Rocky.  I want you back in my life.
I will try to wait a bit longer.

I will try not to break.
And I hope you someday soon also see, you deserve me.

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