Thanks to Donnie Darko and Star Trek, this popped into my head and had to be typed down really fast. My apologies for wrong grammar, punctation, and spelling mistakes.
Had a conversation with myself today. It went something like this.
Tobie Prime: Hey you!
Me: Oh wow! You're... wait, are you actually me?
TP: Yep. This is your future self talking, Tobie. Thought I should drop by and give you a heads up.
Me: No way. Are you seriously the future version of me?
TP: Find it hard to believe you can look this great, huh?
Me: Actually I'm more horrified at the fact I have the ability to travel backwards in time. Guess I saw too many episodes of Sliders, Quantum Leap and The Girl Who Leapt Through Time.
TP: Oh, well at least you do know that getting a fantastic body is within your reach.
Me: I always knew that. Tamad lang talaga ako.
TP: Exactly. You've been laying low for too long, too many opportunities have slipped by you. It is time to get your act together man. Even something as simple as our Diliman comics needs to get off the ground and be completed na.
Me: Is that a wedding band I see on your... well, my finger?
TP: Crap! I wasn't supposed to show you too many hints of your future.
Me: Ay sus, I already know about that, no. Si Egg yan no?
TP: I'm not saying anything.
Me: Bullshit. If you aren't saying anything, why did you come back in time then?
TP: Okay fine, I'm here to let you know a few things you need to hear from yourself at this particular moment in time.
Me: And you know I need to here these things because...
TP: I recall this happening in my past.
Me: So you're assuming my present is your past, which makes your present my future?
TP: Don't confuse me. I recall it worked for a few seconds.
Me: Which? Confusing me? Or telling me things I need to hear?
TP: Uh.. wait..
Me: But what if I needed to hear them a few seconds earlier? Or a few minutes later? Would that affect things?
TP: Stop that!
Me: Tee hee, sorry, storyteller mindset running again.
TP: Okay, back on track. I need to let you hear a few things you need to hear. First of all: Yes, you're doing the right thing.
Me: Medyo intense yan, ha. Considering earlier you said I'm stagnating and stuck in a rut.
TP: Crap. I really have to define this then-
Me: -without giving too much information right?
TP: Hay naku. Wavelength talaga.
Me: Malamang. We're the same person.
TP: Okay let me try again. First, stop letting him affect you too much. Pabayaan mo na what he decides to say to those who are close to him. It doesn't matter if they're lies or unintentional deluded opinions or even miscommunicated reactions. You have to just accept the fact that 1) there will ALWAYS be misinterpretations or at least people who will CHOOSE to embrace misinterpretations of the facts and 2) he needs to be "like that" to bring himself back together. Its really hard to accept one has been too selfish and messed up a really good thing for many years. Pagbigyan mo na. Let him have his healing, as twisted as he chooses to approach it.
Me: Even if I don't really care about him. Even if all I care about him is at a "he's still human" level. Even if deep down I'm really pissed at how after using and abusing another person as a cash cow all this time, he still has the gall to cry victim.
TP: Because he is. Because ultimately, he lost. He has to move on. Give him that na lang.
Me: Why are you siding with him?
TP: I'm not. I'm reminding you of the next thing you need to remember.
Me: I'm a good person.
TP: You are. We are. Today. Yesterday. Tomorrow. We were raised well and we were raised with morals. The fiber of our being is infused with understanding right and wrong. The brain we have is marinated in doing what is proper. And though at times we might falter, we realize and notice this and act upon it. We don't throw the blame somewhere else. We don't go Academy awardesque and cry wolf. We admit our faults and take action to become someone better. Hell, we spend each day of our lives searching for a way to become better than yesterday.
Me: Are you sure?
TP: Sometimes, little things. Like remembering to hold our tongue instead of declaring another person the fuckwit they have become. At other times, it can be larger, like letting an evidently less experienced driver go first, so the buses don't harass him. Then there are the big moments-
Me: Like not having an outright post perhaps pages long about the crappy-
TP: Stop na. Don't sink to the other's level. Focus. Remember who you are. He didn't change in all those years, he won't change after reading your blog. Ultimately it is his life. So let him live it the way he wants. Even if you want to defend Egg. Egg is choosing to be quiet. Do the same. We know this is ultimately you wanting to help everyone understand Egg's side in all this. But stop wanting to "prove it." The fact is, you two are already fantastically happy. And its a contagious happiness. Only real love is that infectious.
TP: And enough with the insecurities. About money. About experience. About being strong enough.
Me: It ain't easy-
TP: I know.
Me: - especially having lived under my brother's shadow, my sister's corona, my parents expectations... its not easy to feel overwhelmed. To feel I'm still not good enough.
TP: But that's just it. We've been wired to think we aren't-
Me: -so we keep pushing to be better. Right. Forgot about that. The insecurities aren't meant to be mistaken as true. They're meant to keep me on my toes. To challenge me to be better. Yeah. Have to keep that in my head. Ano pa ba?
TP: Your dreams aren't over, Tobie.
Me: Which ones? The ones about someday bringing home for my parents an Oscar? Or the one about making a fantastic story, be it a novel, a play or a movie, which moves people and reminds them how much life has to offer? Or the one about becoming the owner and publisher of a major rpg line?
TP: All of them. Including the ones you didn't even realize you were dreaming of.
Me: Not over. Meaning? They'll come to pass?
TP: You know my answer to that.
Me: And its not you won't tell me. It is, "It is up to me."
Me: Wow. This conversation does help me feel better.
TP: It is meant to.
Me: At least warn me this. Do we really end up having some ABS-CBN versus GMA 7 Presidential battle? Something like Kris Aquino versus Manny Pacquiao for President? I need to know if I have to consider escaping to some less insane country...
TP: Uh... well... oh look, the time travel energies are fading...
Me: Hoy! Teka lang! Iba na lang. Do those who ACTUALLY believe in Twilight as a religion gain true religious status?
TP: Fading... returning to... future...
Me: Ang daya naman! Sige, eto na lang!
My future self vanished then, with lingering images of boxing gloves on banners with the slogan "Hanggang Round Two ka lang!" and "Pilipinas, Game ka na ba!" being thrown against each other intermixed with rainbow colored banners chanting for change. I look at my laptop and read that Egg is headed for the bank. I wonder if Egg too will have an encounter with some futureself.
I wanted to ask myself, "In the future, do they all understand?"
And somehow I already know the answer.
That was cathartic.
Just giving a shout out to a bunch of new friends/acquaintances I have thanks to Egg.
Hello to Mina, Jessica, Perry, Maharhar, Rayan and Joseph.
Glad to have met/communicated/chatted with you.