Tag-Board dead it seems
Ain't working. Can't leave comments on other people's blogs.
Today seems to be a day of miscommunication.

I dunno.
Maybe its just me.

I received e-mail today from a mailing list. A friend of mine lost his long-time caretaker last Tueday. Well, actually he isn't just a friend. He was someone very important and special to me. And somewhere along the line of life, things didn't work out and fell apart. There was a lot of pain, a lot of smiles, a lot of happy memories, fond moments and still burning scars. But all that reasons why things were not working out as friends and whathaveyous seemed to just unexpectedly fade away when I read his mail.

The caretaker (rather not mention her name since I don't really think I have such a right) took care of him and his 4 brothers, sister and even his mom during the long years of life. She was annoying at times. Frustrating even. I recall so clearly those times I'd be on the phone talking to my friend when she'd come into the background yelling at him to either have dinner, take a shower or some strange demand or request which I'd barely quite catch.

She didn't like me. She didn't appreciate my company.
Or my friendship with my friend.

Well, considering now that the contact and communication between me and my friend have all but practically ceased to exist, I guess she'd be happy. I don't really know.

All I know is, all of the sudden I found myself wishing I could reach him. Call him. Talk to him and ask personally if he's okay. Hear his voice and read from the tremble of his words if he is coping well. I tried sending an e-mail to him privately, but I don't know if he still receives my e-mail. I tried calling his cellphone in the past. Invited him to my birthday too, last April. Nothing.

I guess I'm not a part of his life at all any more.
Not as a friend. Or an acquaintance. Or as a part of his past.

I guess that's just how I have to really start to see it. But it is not easy. Not easy to throw away all those years and pretend they never were. I guess there really is some point in one's life when you cross a certain boundary and before you know it, you can never ever truly be friends again.

Its strange.
Today. This day that word of his care-taker's passing has reached me.
This day is also the day I finally realise that I have been dead in his eyes.

And damn, it hurts.